Let’s agree not to be so agreeable

February 11, 2019

Let’s agree not to be so agreeable.

Through the IPWS community and events, we build networks, foster personal growth and develop key professional skills. We have an incredible community here in Shanghai and beyond, and we’d like to bring you an article written by last year’s IPWS Summit MC, Em Roblin.

Em Roblin is Founder and CEO of Inner Circles, a company that runs transformational learning journeys for women to grow professionally and personally.

“You’re a good team-player!”

“You’re thoughtful!”

“You’re enthusiastic!”

Heard this kind of feedback before?

If you have, you’ve likely felt seen and recognized – because it’s all positive. And, as it turns out, that makes it a bit of an anomaly. Several research studies analyzing performance reviews in the workplace have shown that women are more likely to receive negative feedback then men.* So, if you’ve received this kind of feedback before, you’ve probably felt pretty good about it!

This kind of feedback is a strong indicator that you are agreeable, meaning that you care about others and what they think, that you’re willing to compromise, that you’re attentive to how everyone works together, that you listen and ask people what they think and that you want to be seen as helpful.

These things all sound lovely, and they are. People will remember how you made them feel and many people will appreciate these beautiful qualities.

But beware…. because this kind of feedback could be an indicator that you’re too agreeable.

I write “could” because there is also a chance that you’re in fact NOT too agreeable, and the quality of the feedback you’ve got reflects the person who gave it to you. Maybe they don’t know you very well (so they are drawing unconsciously from general stereotypes and vague ideas of how women “are supposed to” behave). Or maybe, they have constructive feedback for you, but they fear hurting your feelings, so they withhold it, and shelter you from sharing their real truth (that is, maybe they, in fact, are too agreeable themselves).

But maybe you are being too agreeable. And, even if it’s working for you now, it can come back to bite you.

HOW MANY women have I met who get to a critical point in their careers when someone says: “We know you’re ready to move up but we just don’t see how you’ll be capable of making the tough decisions the role requires?”

Boom. There it is. You’re great. But you’ve become too agreeable to get the work done.

As I shared in the last post, where we posed some questions to reflect on how agreeable you are (check it out here), overall women are more agreeable than men**. Of course, there is variation at the individual level, but if you look to the extremes, the most agreeable people are almost all women, and the most disagreeable people are almost all men.**

In the middle of the agreeable-disagreeable spectrum, where most of us are, it can skew both ways of course. But likely because of these trends, biases can exist. I mean, there are expectations (often unconscious) that women “should be” more agreeable. So that, when women display disagreeable behaviors, it can invoke a highly negative response in others. Over time, in order to be more effective, this can lead women to alter our behavior to become more agreeable.

I keep thinking about one statement from our last post: Women become more agreeable with age.***

I had a flashback to my childhood, growing up in Canada where I largely spent my summers in nature. Every year, there was an annual swim across the lake – about 2,500 meters shore to shore. I was maybe nine or ten years old and I signed up for it. Since I was going to be the youngest person to attempt it, people were naturally concerned and urged me not to try it. They tried to dissuade me, but I was so, so eager that nothing would stop me.

I remember waking up that morning, the sun barely up, a crisp chilly Canadian summer morning, and putting on my favorite bathing suit (bright, neon yellow and green with stripes on the bottom with polka dots on the top with a little zipper at the front).

I wasn’t concerned about what people thought, I wasn’t afraid for whatever conflict I might encounter – I was excited! I marched down to the waterfront, me and my little M&M body (skinny legs, long arms and a round midsection), chanting, “I will swim, I will swim!”

And, I did! I swam across the lake. It took me a few hours, and I certainly wasn’t the first to finish, but I finished. Looking back now, I can just imagine the feeling of relief others felt as I finished, relief and/or frustration (how was that allowed?). But I didn’t let it get to me, I didn’t even notice it. I felt on top of the world and really, truly proud of myself.

Where was that little girl earlier this year when one of my clients kept “putting off” signing the contract with our organization and, after weeks of back and forth on the logistics and content of the inclusive leadership program we’d deliver for their managers, came back to us with less budget than we’d arranged? In a tough conversation, I cracked and I took the project with the reduced terms anyway.

Where was that little girl this summer when I listened carefully as an old friend gave me harsh feedback to discourage me from trying out a new product that I’d been considering, and it left me really questioning myself and if I could/should do it? I put my idea on the backburner.

Where was that little girl just last week when I apologized to my family for being so exhausted, after returning back from a business trip where I’d been stuck in an airport overnight with a delayed flight after an intense few days? My beautiful family caught me, and said, “No, you’re not allowed to apologize, you do need to go to sleep immediately though! See you later.” Why was I apologizing for something so ridiculous as being tired? I know! Because I’m agreeable!

Ok. So together, let’s agree NOT be so agreeable! Let’s:

Put an end to tolerating behaviors that negatively affect us and others around us. Be direct with this person with the behavior. Just make sure they are in the right mindset and space before share with them. That means, never share in the moment you feel frustrated by their behavior (wait until you’ve cooled down and are removed from the situation). Don’t do it in a group, and share your intention first before asking for their permission to give the feedback. Be sure to link the feedback to a specific behavior, not a quality of the person.

Consider, what’s the cost (for the person, for you, for others around them) of letting this negative behavior continue?

Let’s not talk ourselves out of things and instead attempt to go for the things we know will push us right to the edge of our abilities. We need big challenges to keep our learning curves steep, to keep pushing our limits and increasing our capabilities.

Start by asking yourself, what would I do differently if I didn’t care what people thought?

Stop saying yes when we really want to say no. And I don’t mean in situations like in point two above where you’d be saying no because you’re uncertain you have the capability to do something but in fact it would be really good to stretch you. SAY YES TO THOSE. I mean saying no when someone asks you for help in a task that will consume your time and energy and distract you from doing what you need to do. Of course, be a supportive resource to people. But monitor to see if this is cutting into your ability to complete your own goals.

Keep this in mind: In which situations will my future self thank me for saying no now?

There is a lot more to say on this topic. Some super concrete tactics and tips on how to disagree without being disagreeable will be coming soon!

For more:

Click here to follow Em Roblin on LinkedIn and read more posts like it or scan the QR code below to follow Inner Circles